Updates and Complaints from This Week in Sports
The Cloud Yeller: A site for all the complaints you don't care about enough to voice.
“I got a lot of problems with you people. Now you’re going to hear about it!”
- Frank Costanza, Seinfeld; the traditional Festivus Airing of Grievances
There was a lot going on this past week: week one of the NFL, week two of college football, and MLB entering the homestretch.
We’ve got a lot of complaining to do, so let’s get to it.
But first – a little optimism.
The Texas stRangers
Who are these guys?
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the frustration of this Rangers season due to an ineffective offense. Since then, they’ve been hit by a rash of injuries, including to their best position player and pitcher. The season looked to be on the non-stop bullet train from FrustRangerville to There’s Always Next Year.
But a curious thing happened as that train left the station. Rather than collapsing, the team went on a run. Sparked by a bunch of guys that weren’t on the roster five months ago, they continue to stay in the hunt for a playoff spot. They’re currently a season-best seven games over .500 and within two games of both a wild card spot and the division lead (Seattle and Houston are tied for the division lead and the last wild card spot).
How is this possible? This roster has undergone a bigger remodel than a Cracker Barrel store (sorry). The table below shows the changes from their opening day roster to their last game:
That’s injuries to their two expected best position players (Seager and Semien), two expected key contributors (Carter and Garcia) and Eovaldi, who had been pitching at a Cy Young award-winning level this year. This list even undersells the injuries, as regular contributors John Gray, Josh Sborz, Tyler Mahle, Sam Haggerty, and Danny Coulombe are all currently injured as well.
The injury replacements have been a collection of mostly older rookies finally getting an extended chance (and includes Dustin Harris who didn’t play against Milwaukee but had a big moment against Houston). What’s interesting is that no single offensive player has been carrying the team. Instead, each member of the team has stepped up in a game or two to help the team win.
And, of course, stellar pitching has continued to make the Rangers’ recent run possible.
According to FanGraphs, the Rangers have a 25.9% chance to make the playoffs. They’re still a long shot. Yet somehow, regardless of the outcome of the playoff race, the gutty performance of the team has transformed the feel of this season from frustration into the plucky optimism of the underdogs.
The Dallas Cowboys
Who are these guys?
As expected, the Cowboys opened up the NFL season last Thursday with a loss to the defending champion and Super Bowl-favorites Philadelphia Eagles. That’s the bad news.
The good news, if you’re a glass-half-full kind of guy, as I am, is that they didn’t lose as badly as most of us expected. They were 8.5-point underdogs, but only lost 24 – 20. Dallas certainly had their chances to take the lead throughout the second half.
What did we learn about the Cowboys after game one? After pondering this question for the past week, I came to a firm conclusion: not much.
It was a strange game: an offensive shoot-out in the first half with 41 combined points scored followed by a second-half slugfest with only three combined points. Week one results can be misleading anyway, but Dallas did nothing to narrow the range of possible outcomes for this season.
At halftime, the Eagles’ Saquon Barkley, the leading rusher in the NFL last season had 10 carries for 49 yards. Eagles QB Jalen Hurts had 48 yards rushing (his ability to avoid rushers and extend plays killed the Cowboys in the first half).
After halftime, the defense stepped up. Barkley had 8 more carries for only 11 total yards. Hurts added only 14 more yards.
After halftime the offense stepped back. Dallas’ first drive of the second half featured a 49-yard run by Miles Sanders, putting them in position to take the lead at the Philadelphia 11-yard line. Unfortunately, the drive then featured a Sanders fumble recovered by the Eagles. That turnover proved to be fatal.
On their next three drives, Dallas would gain on 66 yards total, never really threatening again.
What I took away from this game is that this season all depends on which offense and which defense show up.
1st half offense + 2nd half defense = 11 wins or more and playoff contention
1st half offense + 1st half defense = 7 – 10 wins and another fair to Midland™ year.
2nd half offense + 2nd half defense = 7 – 10 wins and another fair to Midland™ year.
2nd half offense + 1st half defense = uggh. Another year like last year.
If I was forced to guess, I’d sign up for the middle two options. I’m not sure Dallas will be consistent enough to put both sides of the ball together over 16 more games.
The brightest spot of the game for me was the 49-yard run by Sanders. It’s been way too long since we’ve seen a Cowboys running back break a long run. In fact, you have to go back to Tony Pollard’s 57-yard run in 2022 to find a run of more than 35 yards by a Cowboy running back.
I thought of this Sunday night as I watched Derrick Henry of the Ravens have three runs of 30 or more yards (30, 46 and 49 yards).
Remember a couple of seasons ago when Derrick Henry was a free agent with reported interest in joining the Cowboys and Cowboy owner Jerry Jones didn’t even think he was worth a call? Jones said something about not being a good fit for their scheme. From what I recall, the Cowboys’ scheme the last couple of years mostly involved runs of less than three yards, so I guess Jerry was right on that count.
Complaints of the Week
Complaint #1: The Jason Kelcefication of America
At The Cloud Yeller, we take pride in our dogged determination in the coining of neologisms that no one will ever use. This week’s new word:
Jason Kelcefy (V): To oversaturate via advertisements, especially through use of a person or image not typically associated with a national advertising campaign.
Jason Kelce was a very good center for the Philadelphia Eagles, retiring before the 2024 season. That’s reason enough to dislike him.
Since retiring, however, Jason Kelce is everywhere. It’s hard to watch any sporting event at all without being saturated with Jason Kelce. He’s in YouTube TV ads, Buffalo Wild Wings ads, beer commercials, cereal commercials and more.
It’s too much Kelce. I get it. He has a popular podcast. His brother is engaged to Taylor Swift. He might be an all-around great guy. But enough is enough. The CIA should use that YouTube TV commercial where he yells at the TV for 30 seconds as a tactic to get Russian spies to confess.
According to ispot.tv, Kelce has appeared in 21 national TV ad campaigns and in the last 30 days, commercials featuring him have aired over 33,000 times. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen at least half of those.
Make it stop. He’s making me miss “The ShamWow Guy.”
Complaint #2: Fallen Arch1
ABC’s Arch Manning coverage.
Last Saturday, Arch Manning played San Jose State in a football game. At least, that’s the way it came across judging from the ABC commentators. It was all about Arch Manning. If he missed a pass, his mechanics were analyzed to see why. If he completed a pass, we had to hear about what he did right.
I’m a University of Texas fan. I like Arch Manning. Outside of his family or those whose livelihoods are intertwined with the success of the Texas football team, few people are probably more invested in his success. But man, watching a Texas game, you get a lot of Manning.
My favorite part, however, is when the announcers, after two hours of non-stop Manning scrutiny, tell us that he’s a young quarterback that’s going to make mistakes and is continuing to grow and we shouldn’t over-scrutinize at this point in his career.
Our crack research team here at The Cloud Yeller managed to get a picture of the production notes and storylines the ABC broadcast team (Joe Tessitore and Jesse Palmer) used in preparing their call for Saturday’s game.
We have not been able to independently verify these notes and I’m a little confused as to why they were doing their game prep on a OneOncology note pad, but I’ve been assured by my well-placed sources that these are official and have no reason to question its authenticity.
I know Arch Manning is a big story and will get extra coverage. That’s fair. But please don’t talk about him so much that he gets Jason Kelcefied.
Complaint #3: Defenders raising their fists after third down (or actually after random downs)
If you’ve paid any attention in the NFL over the past few years, you’ve seen more and more defenders doing this:
The raised closed fist is in reference to the signal the referee makes when it’s forth down.
It started with defenders making that sign after a big third-down stop leading to a punt. Now, I’ve seen it after fourth down stops and on first and second down tackles. Just like a Jason Kelce commercial, it’s become excessive. So excessive that it has lost all meaning. Do we need defenders celebrating after a tackle for a three-yard gain on first down? What happened to the good old days when we didn’t have to celebrate after every play, regardless of the impact?
I Found This Interesting
All this time, I thought my weekly airing of various grievances was good for the soul. The cathartic venting that would lower my blood pressure and add years to my life.
Not so, says the latest science. Apparently, recent studies indicate that venting increases agitation and intensifies anger rather than reducing it.
There may be something to that. I’m feeling really annoyed at Jason Kelce right now.
At The Cloud Yeller, we’re always #TrustTheScience. Unless, of course, the “science” contradicts our preexisting beliefs or behaviors.
Accordingly, our weekly rantings will continue unabated.
Have a great weekend and stay off my lawn.
Yes – it’s a foot pun and appropriate since my arches are only detectible with an ultramicroscope.